How To: get a nose job

I went to the dentist to get a filling done, figuring that Major Surgery was the next day and I might as well just get everything over with. Well, the dude hit a freaking vessel with his Novocain needle. My face was swollen and black and blue before I even walked into the OR today. It still is. My cheek bruise matches my eyes. Quote my mom, “I can’t believe your cheek. You look really dirty.”

This brings us to today. The doc was going to throw in a nose re-break to reshape everything, but the heavy bleeding made for bad complications during surgery, making that a no go. It’s all just frustrating, this entire problem started because of a ridiculous car accident. The woman who hit me should have her license permanently revoked and thrown into some sort of ring of fire. There’s no excuse for plowing into my car at full speed when I’m stopped behind some other moron who decided to dead stop on the Schuylkill expressway. Having your steering wheel stop your face at a high rate of speed is nightmare inducing... I’m done being bitter now. Once I’m a real life breathing machine, it’ll be worth it. The 5-10% of air making it through my nasal passageways wasn’t cutting it. When the ENT looked in the first time he said “what the hell did you do to this thing?” He sent me right to the plastic surgeon which puts me here today.

There are a few things to know about reconstructive facial surgery. For one, eating a garlic dinner the night before the operation is not a first-rate idea. Although I ate more than enough to seriously harm a vampire and the actual meal itself was more of a garlic clove gallivanting as a main dish, garlic has one especially potent power. It’s a major anti-coagulant, blowing the hell out of my doctor order not to have any blood thinning medications the week prior to cutting my face open, such as Advil, Ibuprofen, blah blah blah. When cut, your face bleeds. Heavily. When the surgeon ran out of the OR yelling that he couldn’t stop the bleeding, my poor mother almost had a heart attack. I just slept through the whole 3 hour ordeal.

Lesson number 2: When an operation is done with a breathing tube you will wake up sobbing. I didn’t even care if my nose was attached; I just wanted something to drink. They had me blindfolded with ice and my nose packed with quite literally a tampon. They should recommend this for torture. Put someone to sleep and wake them back up blindfolded, unable to breath, or talk. I greedily took every ice chip they would give me. Anything with ice is amazing. A few hours after I got home, mom had a bright idea to give me hot water with lemon. Usually this would help a sore throat; however, my throat has never rebelled against me so much in my life. NEVER. Drink. A. HOT BEVERAGE AFTER A BREATHING TUBE.